Expectations are complicated.
Towards the end of my drinking and using the only expectation I had was to get high and not get caught by those close to me or fired from my job. I did what I wanted to do and if you didn’t like the results then that was your problem not mine. Shellfish, but that was the consequence of my abuse.
Today my life and vocabulary are filled with recovery-based words I once thought were gay- expectations, surrender, acceptance, yoga, and a plethora of feeling words. Expectations are spoke of often in 12-step meetings, and considered a key to healthy sobriety. Specifically, lowering my expectations. A challenging proposition for a controlling chef/addict.
I have heard it said more than once, “My serenity is directly related to lowering my expectations on people, places, and things.” The point being if I put a great amount of energy into anticipating a specific result from a person, place, or thing, chances are they won’t meet my expections because the results are significantly different than my original vision. Thus, the majority of my 12-step and yoga practices focus on attempting to be in the moment and not forming an opinion on a particular person, place, or thing because I don’t have control over the results. This is a prime example why recovery from drugs and alcohol is a life-long PROCESS. Moreover, this is why my sobriety is abstinent of all drugs and alcohol one day at a time for the remainder of my life. Once I take ONE drink or drug then I fall directly back into my self-absorbed way of being. As an addict I wanted to control everything in my life which is a large reason why I drank and used. Once I got sober the need to control was still there, however, I didn’t have any vices to deal.
This is where the 12-steps and yoga come in. The 12-steps offer a solution or road map to navigate through life through action to rid me from me in order to live a more spiritual life. In essence, rid myself from my ego. Likewise, yoga is the process of discovering my inner self via a physical asana practice which builds a greater sense of humility. Both processes point out that I only have control over myself.
This gets very sticky around relationships and in the kitchen. The biggest thing I have learned about relationships was summed up by my sponsor, “Dude, if someone wants your fucking opinion they will ask. And it has been my experience that few will.” This is, and has been, hard for me. As a chef, however, I have clear cut expectations on how to make a proper stock, a parsnip gratin, or how that final plate of food should look in the window. Letting go of my expectations and waiting for the results of others feels as though I am comprising my standards. I am told by my sponsor to look for my part of any situation that causes me to get angry because that anger stems from an insecurity or a fear within. For example, if I snap at a chef because a banquet isn’t set up properly then I need to see if I communicated the set requirements properly or if I missed something on a prep list. 9 out of 10 times the problem lies within me not them.
I recently had a realization about my profession that explains why many chef’s such as myself drank and used in excess or are just flat out crazy- we search for perfection in an imperfect world. Accepting imperfections within myself and others in conjunction with focusing on strengths rather than shortcomings has been a powerful gift of recovery. Sobriety and yoga has taught me to embrace the imperfections not fight them. Except when the next chef burns yet another pan of fucking croutons.
Notes From the Culinary Addict:
Yogism from James (my teacher):“There is a commonality that exists in all of us. We find ourselves via the practice of yoga which means it is in all of us.”
Recent 12-Step Meeting Quote: “In my mind the train had left the station but the circus was still in town.”
-Too busy for Kitchen Update and Quotes! Go Saints!
Band Name of the Week: Newborn Haze
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Present Kitchen Pandora Selection:Whiskeytown
