There are three holidays that chef’s fear in terms of clientele- New Year’s Eve, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day. I learned this fact early on from my finest mentor The Tuna.
“Chef, you must be excited about Valentine’s Day?” I asked her one day.
“Fat Pat, first off don’t call me chef,” She said with a crust. “Secondly, Valentine’s Day! YOU MEAN FUCKING AMETUER DAY!! Why the HELL would I get excited about the lamest ass capitalistic holiday which caterers to a bunch of losers that need HALLMARK to remind them what love is?”
She went on, “And why the Christ would you ASSUME I’d get excited about a bunch of strip mall corporate diners from the fucking suburbs from places like Martinez and Concord (Bay Area) that invade my restaurant in order to feel part of the food scene probably like you and your family did as a child?”
“Now how the hell would you know that?” I mistakenly asked.
“Because you have a hard time chopping a fucking onion and you go to culinary school. I can spot them a mile away usually by their hair or cologne. Sometimes they slip by, but once I start getting orders for split house salads and split chicken I’m onto them.”
For the most part The Tuna has been correct. People that normally don’t eat out, eat out. Moreover, many folks from the outlining suburbs descend upon the city to try independent restaurants that were recommended by a friend, the paper, or online. I use to think this was a great opportunity for less educated diners to explore and take some risks. However, it has been my experience that people try to change the food to meet their fearful palettes as opposed to branching out. This causes numerous problems during the heat of service- substitutions, odd vegetable requests (i.e steamed), sauces on side (SOS), special requests (nothing with salt, pepper, or oil), etc… making tickets hard to read. In turn, line cooks get pissed, communication breaks down between stations and the waiters have to hand write crap on tickets all of which leads to a challenging night of service. Moreover, tables are comprised of two-tops that linger (low sales), people often spilt entrees, many order wine by the glass (some with ice in it), and according to the waiters many are crappy tippers. Thus, the normally whiny waiters become even more bitchy which often leads into numerous stories of past Valentine Day woes. Here are a few highlights of comments made over the years:
Top Ten Amateur Night Comments:
10. “All sauces on side (SOS). For my appetizer, salad, entree, and dessert.”
9. “Can I have the wild mushroom consomme without mushrooms?”
8. “$18 for chicken! I could buy 4 whole chickens for that price!”
7.”Who in their right mind would eat a raw oyster?”
6.”I don’t need that fancy French sauce, just bring ketchup.”
5. “Can you make the bone-in ribeye for two without the bone? I cant eat anything that has a bone because that is just gross.” When the ticket came through the waiter added, “she dont suck cock either ”
4. “What kind of place doesn’t have Ranch dressing?”
3. “What are pomme frites?” Once told, responded, “Oh, you mean FREEDOM FRIES.”
2. “Excuse me, I’m not comfortable being served by that (gay) waiter.”
1. “Can I get that WELL DONE.”
Notes From The Culinary Addict:
Yogism From James (my teacher): “I’m not here to tell you how to breathe, I just want you to breathe differently than you do outside of this room.”
Recent 12-Step Meeting Quote: “It feels great to wake up and not be pissed off.”
-One Valentine night a really wasted dude with his wife approached the line and said, “I don’t know what the hell I just ate but you guys can cook hella better than my woman.”
-One Valentine’s Day, a guy sent a medium steak back 3 times because he thought it was too rare. It was well done before he was happy. Then refused to pay the bill.
-Many waiters I have spoken to are convinced you can tell a lot about a person’s sex life by how they order. A general rule of thumb is the bloodier a woman orders her meat is directly proportional to how much they enjoy giving blow jobs. Thus, a woman that orders a well done steak has very little interest in penis. Moreover, fastidious patrons such as SOS people and those that want to SUB every item are considered high maintenance and would be horrible in bed due to control issues, non-risk takers, and would talk way too much after the deed is done.
-We are tasting all 50 brides (and their entourage) to be in 3 seatings on one day this weekend which means we have to make every appetizer, starch, platter, protein, salad etc…on our banquet menu.
-I am working on a business plan for a Ramen inspired lunch spot- something like Momofuku meets Bunk. I’ll keep you posted.
Search Engine Terms (words that lead someone to this blog for whatever reason): “windowpane LSD sex”
Band Name of Week: The Well Done
Present Kitchen Pandora Selection: “Genre”- Ska Early Reggae
Ramen, eh?
so f’in funny. i thought we came up with some good band names during cpr class but cant for the life of me remember what they were.
Nipple Line
First off too funny Chef. Second Bunk meats Momofuku? Holy crap on a cracker..I’d be soo down for something like that.
thanks. i’ll keep u in the loop!
I haven’t waited tables in 15 years, yet my blood pressure rose while simply reading those fucked-up comments and demands made by fuckin’ fucked-up loser customers. WTF! Ugh…people.
Conversely, my favorite patron, an elderly Southern gentleman who bore a more than passing resemblance to the Colonel Sanders, would order his burger like this: “Honey, just slap that patty on the grill for fifteen seconds, flip it, and cook it for fifteen more seconds – just long enough to heat it up. I want it BLOODY!” (Clearly, he must have given AMAZING blow jobs.)
Lastly: Momofuku-inspired ramen joint? I support you.
Awesome! I’ll keep you in loop about last comment. Hope your well.